Tuesday 24 May 2016

10 ‘ode’ questions Nigerian guys ask girls about menstruation

1. Can I still enter ‘small’ if you are ‘seeing blood’?

Oga, you seriously need to fear God o! Enter where? ‘seeing blood’ bawo?Doesn’t it have a name? It is called menstruation, dude. And no, you cannot enter small…

2. Why didn’t you tell me before hand?  

Kai! I know we have a monthly calendar but most times, our calculation is either two days ahead or two day prior to the calculated date. Sorry, the chucking will have to be suspended till next week.

3. Is it real blood?

       No sir, it is ketchup mixed with Mile 12 tomatoes.

4. When will it finish so that I can enter again?         

Dear bae, we do not know either. As much as we enjoy chucking too, some periods may last for five days on an average. It could be longer.  Check back in two weeks. No show for now.

5. Do you want to do?                                                                     

Well, we are divided about this, really. While some ladies are like: “Oh please! Do you know how messy menstruation is? Plus the sore vagina we carry about? Do you know how heavy, sluggish and sore we feel? Other women are like : “Give it to me baby! Take me baby!” Na una sabi that one!

6. Why are you acting like a mad woman na?

Me? Mad woman…Have you experienced cramps before? Do you know how many liters of blood I release during menstruation? Egbon, it is over!

7. Why are you wearing Beyonce pants? What happened to your G-string?

Boda, it is for better for worse. If you like me in g string, you should like me in granny panties as well. Who g-string abi g-rope epp?

8. Is it painful?                                                                                 

No, its not painful. Bring your laps, let me cut it open. Then, imagine someone grabbing your  little johnny , twisting it for one week; every month for over 40 years of your life. While this happens, you’ll also be bleeding profusely from your most intimate area, experiencing head and back aches, nausea, bloating, sore boobs and mood swings, and you’ll either need the bathroom twice as often to check if you are leaking or not. Guy, don’t ask me that question again, biko.

9. Do you wear pampers all the time?

*sigh* First of all, it is not pampers. Oya, say P-A-D! Pad not pampers. And yes, we wear it all day during menstruation.

10. What can we do to make it better?

Ehen! Five things actually, especially in this Buhari era…

1. Plant us a tomato garden(I heard one ball goes for N500 now)
2. Get us painkillers and serve as human pillow
3. Cry with us
4.Buy us whatever we need,(including Range rover sport and a duplex in Chevy view, Lekki)
5.Give us ice-cream. Lots of ice-cream.

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